HAVE IT YOUR WAY®?

What Exactly is a Whopper anyway? Any man worth his fancy ketchup has eaten at least a gross of Burger King's signature sandwich in his day. And I would hope that we all know what goes into making its Mickey D's equivalent - in stature, if not ingredients - the Big Mac (hint: it includes 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onion, all piled delectably high on a sesamee seed bun). Riddle me this: if you order a Big Mac without the "special sauce", is it still truly a Big Mac? 'Course not, fool.
So what is it that makes up a WHOPPER®? Well, I'm so glad you asked! The Original WHOPPER® Sandwich has been doing its thing since 1957. It's a fire-grilled classic and everything you would expect from a great-tasting burger – 1/4 pound of (grey) beef, red ripe tomatoes, crisp lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles and onions all on a freshly baked bun. In the interest of full disclosure, let me admit right now that I have what some consider an odd taste in burgers. I don't like bacon on them in most cases. With fast food, I am more apt to order a hamburger than a cheeseburger (I love cheese, but American singles are the ugly stepsister of cheeses). I am not really a proponent of the double patty. I preferred the WHOPPER® to the old school Riva's House Burger. But don't let minor facts steer you off course. I know my fast food. I'll sing you a jingle to prove it. I know who has a deal going for what. I don't like to eat things that don't leave me bloated and reaching for Tums.
Here is where things really get ugly. Little Johnny Jitters and I have a running argument; he says that he loves to order "Whoppers" at BK, but herein lies the rub: he orders them sans mayo. Shudder. It isn't that someone would order a burger without mayo. I usually prefer them that way myself. Especially that weird cold mayo and unmelted cheese crap they try to pull at Wendy's. But it ain't a WHOPPER®, there is just something about the nasty way the ketchup and creamy bird period extract melt togetther. I would argue that it is just as much a part of the signature tase that makes an ordinary burger a WHOPPER®, as the "special sauce" is a necessary part of the Big Mac. What is the main ingredient in that "special sauce" anyway, if not that same creamy mayonaisse? Part of what makes eating a WHOPPER® the unique culinary experience that it is is the distinctive scent that it leaves on your hands for the next 36 hours. I will not argue this. Goddammit, there is just something un-American about ordering your sandwich that way and still having the audacity to call it a WHOPPER®. Who's with me?

Coming next week...KFC vs. Popeye's, the blind taste test!